and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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