ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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