The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
