your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
