ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
