so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
