i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
