Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
