So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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