I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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