at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
