Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
