So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize