i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
