The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
