please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
