I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
