there was a trapeze. enough said
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
