God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
