Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
