I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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