Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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