Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
