It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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