I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
