If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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