All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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