i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think my nap took me to another dimension
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
