there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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