I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
