WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dick very happy bro
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
