mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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