Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
