I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
