I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
