its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
