How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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