My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
