Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
