I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
