no, he came in my armpit
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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