Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
