Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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