Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
