Buhtt sex?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
