It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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