You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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