those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
