why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
