the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
