saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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