He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
