I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
