Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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