who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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