i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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