Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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