paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
