My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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